mine and mine alone…

erm.. before i even start talking about obsession in this entry.. i just wanna share with everyone about my despair, sadness and disappointment these few days.. waa…
my misery includes the lost of my hp.. my most favourite hp..nokia 6670.. yg paling kusayang.. the one that i got from wong.. we traded hp actualy, he took my 6230i..
huh.. long story..

im still sad u know.. ive had it with me for over 2yrs.. its a pity that i lost it so foolishly, dekat wayang tgv.. mmg bodo bila dikenang2kan kembali..
i asked at the counter after the show but the girl said they cudnt find any hp there.. i know that someone had taken it.. pasal each time i tried to call my number.. it wud ring once or twice then silent.. that means some had rejected the call.. barua tol org yg amek tu.. taktau ker bedosa amek hp orang..
but, i wont curse him/her for taking the hp.. i just hope that God wud bless him/her with hidayah.. so that he’l regret what he’s done and not repeat it la..

ok.. i think im done talking about my hp.. now im gonna start sharing what i know.. what i have to say about obsession..
i dont realy know what it means coz i think its kinda hard to explain.. but i know how it feels like.. how to be obsessed with something/someone and also how it feels to have someone obsessing u..
yes.. i have felt both.. been there, done that..

and believe me, they both are not pretty..
tapi i think the feeling of obsessing something/someone is far worst than the other one..

how does someone become obsessed with something??  i dont know the answer to that.. but i know that u cannot think rationally when u are in that situation.. u can no longer tell whats wrong and whats right.. and often u tend to make hasty decisions.. decisions that u will regret at the end of the day..

huh.. thats what happened to me.. and i am trying my best to handle the situation..  and to cope with the emotions that come with it.. its hard.. but i believe i will get thru this.. with gods willing that is..

obsession as we know involves someone being too attached to something/someone to the extend where he/she doesnt seem to care about anything else but himself and his fondness.. at this point, dia da tak peduli kalau dia berhabes duit beribu2 ringgit pon.. pastu kerja dia ke mana.. kehidupan dia pon tak terurus lagi pasal he is too busy chasing his obsession..

it sounds terrible but im afraid that nothing can be done to help him.. pasal he will think that whoever that tries to nasihatkan dia, is trying to keep him away from his obsesi itu.. cakap kita tak faham la aper la..

erm, before i go any further, aku nak tanya ni..
ada ke obsesi yg baik untuk kita??
is there any type of obsesion that will do us good???

aku rasa macam takder.. tapi what if it is between 2 people yg mmg sukakan satu sama lain..they are in love and they are each others’ obsesion.. huahua.. kalau camtu boleh??

erm..in one glimpse, it doesnt seem to have any flaw.. pasal, mmg la it wont bring any harm to anyone kalau derang bercintan cintun bagai nak rak.. thats their prerogative..(caner eja ek??)
tapi aku rasa, kalau terlampau2 pon tak bagus gak kot..
nothing is good when it is too much..

ok.. ni nak sambung balek pasal org yg obsess ni..
when someone we know, tak kira la our family or fren yg obsess dgn something, what can we do to help??

erm, kalau aku.. aku akan buat what i ought to do.. if i think that his obsession is bringing him down, leading him to utter destruction, then i’ll talk to him.. borak2 ngn dia.. ask him about his life now, and also about his life before he started his obsession tu.. then make comparisons for him.. tell him how much he has lost for just one particular thing.. maybe dia akan realise that everything else can also mean something to him.. then dia akan sedar.. kalau benda2 lain takder, tak mungkin dia dapat hidup dalam dunia ni..
thats what i wud do la to help org tu..

in fact, thats what i did(aku buat kat diri sndiri la).. thanks to God, i was given a strong will to refuse the temptaion.. the urge to succumb back to my freakin obsession..
huhu..
dear God, i am thankful for this one strong heart that u grant me..

erm, aku rasa macam tak patut la kalau aku tak mention a few examples of obsesion yg tak bagus untuk kita..
yg paling senang is drug la..
contoh lain macam ps2 ker, ps3 ker..
even psp.. vid games la senang citer..
selain itu, perempuan la..(or lelaki for those applicable)..
kadang2 pasal perempuan ni, org leh jadi gila.. tak betul dah..
i believe i have already mentioned the gila part earlier..

okla.. aku takder mood nak tulis lagi..
adios!!

haha..
harini lagi sekali aku nak citer pasal something yang i consider as heavy.. something that not many people will fancy talking about.. or even thinking about..
that is DEATH..
to me, the sound of the word death is so terrifying.. i got scared each time i heard it..
haha.. i guess thats normal..
aku rasa bukan aku sorang jer yg takut bila dgr pasal kematian ni.. korang2 sumer yg berimbun dosa itu juga pon sama.. hahahaha…

please people, dont question the motif im writing about death in this entry.. its just how it works for me.. i never plan.. i write nonchalantly and spontaneously..

though how scary it may sound, death is certain for everyone.. we all will die eventually.. haha.. thats the dreadful fact..

we all have heard about how painful death is.. i remember being told once by someone(either in jasin or kms, it was during one of the tazkirahs after solat) that death is the most painful thing u’ll ever feel in ur life.. OMG.. how much i wish i dont have to go thru it but unfortunately, it is coming.. everyday, every minute, every second.. we are getting closer to our deaths.. huhuhu… scary right??

like i said, i got scared when dealing w death..whenever i heard someone died (usually some neneks or atuks at my kampong), i wud feel sad and gloomy.. or shud i say mandum.. and for the whole day, aku takder mood for anything.. then bila ada org cakap pasal mati, aku akan lari dari situ.. it scared me la..

but lately, i have been thinking a lot.. and the matter of kematian just kept coming.. and then aku rasa macam its not a big deal anymore..
im not as scared as i once was.. death is compulsory.. in order for us to go to the next stage of life.. it is compulsory..
so, cool jer la.. takyah takut.. kalau takut2 pon bukan dapat stop it from coming.. or bukannyer dapat hilangkan kesakitan mati tu pon.. so relax jer la..

in many ceramah agama or tazkirahs that i have gone to.. ive heard a lot about the pembalasan during sakaratulmaut.. (u know during the second the angle of death take out da soul out of ur body.. menarik roh dari badan.. is that what its called??)…
and also all those stories i read in mastika (i was a huge fan of that majalah)…
SCARY~~~~……*sambil buat gaya faiz rahim scary

im sure u guys too have read about those stories and know how scary they all are..
i can just hope that GOD wud spare me the shame when it is my turn..
i have done so many bad things in my life.. and i cannot tell for sure if i wud be forgiven for all my sinSSSSS……. so i can just hope….

erm, as a fren.. i’d like to say a few words of advice..
never fear death bcoz it is certain.. instead, be ready for its arrival.. accept it with open arms(not literally la, mana ko tau ko mati tangan tebukak??)..
tak kisah la ur own death or death in ur family or whoever u love.. it is a harsh thing but its a part of life..it makes u tougher, teaches u to appreciate life and the ones u love, and it shapes u to be a human..
hahaha.. apala aku merepek kat atas tu… huhu…

erm.. i think thats all for now, aku da takder idea ni sbnanyer..
but maybe i will write some more very soon.. huhu..
adios!!!

helo sumer..
i know its been really long i dont write anything here.. but who cares..yg penting ~i am writing now…

erm, btw aku sekarang da ada kat kl da.. dah balek umah dah.. its been 3 weeks pon..
and as expected.. its been boring like hell.. im not saying auckland is any better.. if i were to stay there,i think i wudve been damn bored as well..

i dont know what my problem is.. when i was so freakingly busy with assignments and exams and etc… i just cudnt wait for the holidays.. badan aku tu asek penat dan mengantuk jer… nak tido jer tawu… padahal time tu banyak je keje nak dibuat, benda nak difikirkan…bla bla bla…
tapi sekarang bila da cuti.. aku rasa macam sengal gila babs…
like a loser with nothing to do except tido, makan dan gemok… then kalau da terlalu bosan, i’d go out with my frens.. tu sumer nak guna duit..  i feel like someone yg sungguh useless coz the only thing i do is mengabehkan duit rakyat…
*kalau kak hani tau ni, tak dapat nak gi date ngn dier..

erm…. tapi its not really a problem pon… actually,i am the problem .. things wud be so much easier if i just get a temporary job anywhere… atleast dapat duit.. tapi i dont know la nak keje aper.. malas la nak keje mcD kfc or whatever.. tu lepasan spm boleh la.. i want something yg more simple, sempoi and relaxing….*demand cam sial jer aku…
hahahahaha….

kalau keje kat gsc cam nizam kelly pon cam ok gak.. tapi gsc yg kat mana lak.. kat MV tu cam jauh la.. aku nak ke sana kena naik putra then ktm.. it takes me 1 hr to get there..
kalau kat time square pon sama.. its the cost to get there yg aku concern sekarang.. nak ke sana naik putra then monorel.. sehari pegi balek pon dah dekat seploh hengget.. macam not worth it…
banyak kawan aku cakap cari keje kat pavilion yg baru bukak tu, konfem nak pakai ramai orang.. tapi aku taktau how to get there… nnt2 la aku fikir2kan….
*dasar aku mmg pemalas….

once or twice, it did occur to me to just get back to working as a hotel banquet waiter. like i did dulu lepas spm kat shangri-la kl…. tapi, if i want to work in a hotel, i wil have to cut my hair….
NO WAY!!! NOT IN A MILLION YEARS!!!
im keeping my hair… there is no way im cutting my hair after all these years….
waaaa….. susah tol la jadi aku ni….
hahahahahaha…….

pastu ada gak sesekali tu terlintas kat kpale aku ni konon2 nak jadi model….. hahahahahahah……
aku tau aku suker perasan…. tapi kalau leh jadi MODEL betol2 kan best….. member aku cakap kena wat profile, portfolio sumer…. aku ni pemalas ya hamat….. takdernyer aku nak wat2 benda tu sumer….. dah la kena bayar untuk fotoshoot tu….. malas aku…. kalau ader rezeki nak jadi model, ader la….. kalau takder sudey….. tak mati pon aku kalau tak jadi model…….

waa….. aku sungguh bosan sekarang ini…. not only that, im always tensed….
erm, maybe not tensed…. but more to sad and disappointed….. im afraid i cant  reveal what’s really been going on in my life…. coz im just not ready to open up to everybody else yet….. maybe someday i will…..

about my problem…. the thing that has made me sad and disappointed… i am this way because of a certain someone….and i strongly believe that that someone knows of what i speak…. its just that i havent been able to connect to that someone yet…..
it hurts u know……. the waiting…. the suffering….. i wish i had stopped wishing and hoping…. i cant help the feeling… i wish i was given a choice to wipe away everything that reminds me of that someone…. but i wasnt…
i know the more hopes i have, the more pain i will feel when they all break….. its like peribahasa/perumpamaan melayu kalau tak silap aku….. lagi tinggi kau terbang, lagi sakit bila kau jatuh terhempas….
whatever.. u guys get the idea…

hemm…. aper la aku merepek kat atas tu kan… i was just ranting… about me, myself and i…
noone else shud know…
but still… who knows knows….

i think im going to try the job at klcc.. the one my fren told me.. kedai kasut aper tah.. gaji dier rm40 sehari
keje from 10 to 7
aku rasa ok kot..
tgk la nnt.. maybe aku akan cuba tanyer2 dulu…
sampai disini saja la untuk kali ni…
aku dah malas nak tulis sbnanyer…. later~~