mine and mine alone…

haaa… what kind of tajuk is that, rite?.. so stupid, and  sometimes its not even relevent to some of us.. but still, im sure as hell that there are times in our lives when we feel a lil jeles with others.. probably because of their achievements, or maybe some of their attributes and often just because those people are a lil bit more gifted than ourselves..

hurm… just what is it that im trying to say here??

let’s see.. the reason im still wide awake now at 1.36 am here in auckland is because im waiting for this download to finish..

prison break season 4 ep 5.. i had to use the free user account for rapidshare since my premium account has expired.. renewing the acc now wud be a waste since im not a heavy downloader no more.. so im thinking, the best time to renew is when im back at home.. streamyx, unlimited.. not like this silly, dodgy empire internet who only allows me 2 gig of data cap per week.. so cheap, aint it?

haaaa… that still doesnt explain why i talked about jealousy, does it??

well, its because of this download waiting that has lead me to doing the thing i dislike the most (but still doing it obviously)..that is to view my frens, especially my long lost frens on frenster.. duh!!

i know now that to some people, frenster might sound kinda lame and like so last year, and that facebook is like the coolest thing now.. but i like to think that  both of them serve their own purposes at different times.. and i am not ashamed to admit that my frenster is still alive and kicking..(although i dont upload my pix there anymore)..

and as a result of those browsings that i did.. then i came across this one fren of mine.. i dont think its necessary for me to mention his name here..

i looked at his photos and its like a rush of unexpected waves falling onto my face.. i got jealous.. i didnt want to.. but i just couldnt help it..

this guy, he’s always been better than me.. i dont know how to explain but in many things, he’d always have that something extra that sets him one step ahead of me all the times.. and i hate that..

“jealousy turning saint into the sea”

like duh!! i aint a saint here.. and never will be one.. wkakaka…

silly me..that was a joke.. if i were one day to become a saint, as in a very good, pious kinda guy.. i’ll be glad.. and thankful and grateful.. but nevertheless.. i ma be a fierce one at that..(now making that fierce gesture like tyra uses in many of her poses).. lalalalala~~ im just being silly and inappropriate i think.. and im sorry for that..

back to what i was saying.. about this being jealous thingy.. i know i shudnt care, and i need to stop thinking about it too much.. and also start being grateful for what i have.. be realistic..

seriously, if i were to compare my life, what i have now… that includes stuffs like my studies, my belongings, my possesions, my reputaions.. i think i am better than him.. and if i were to place my self in his shoes, then try to compare myself with this romper stomper guy, i’d feel ashamed of myself, and at the same time feel amazed and impressed by this romper’s achievements bla3..

hahaha.. that was so vain of me to have said those things, but the reason i said them because i believe that was one way to make me feel grateful again..

its true, i have always been focusing on a lot of bad things that i have (not bad, but just ‘can be improved’) and neglecting, as in being ignorant, on the good things that God has granted me.. for example this opportunity to study overseas, this healthy body of mine(although lately i’ve been having asthma attacks quite oftenly), the intelligence (not so sure about that though), the great frens around me.. and of course iman and islam.. they are the most important.. i pray they’ll last forever.. thank God, Alhamdulillah..

i think im done for now.. its almost 2am now.. i think i shud read some of that dynamix notes and worked examples.. test is just around the corner.. honestly, i dont expect anything great from it.. just hope that i dont fail.. coz i really cant care less about it now.. i’m not feeling well, remember?

enough of bullshit and rantings.. it seems like thats the only thing that i can do well now.. haha.. too bad, it only annoys people.. expecially me when i read them back..

till next time.. chiow… later~~

salam..

first of all.. please let me apologize.. to my one and only blog..this freakin awesome fs blog(is it so?).. sorry for abandoning u for like ages i reckon..

erm… just now i was doing the one thing that i like to do the most.. which is daydreaming and imagining myself with loads of awesome stuffs etc2.. then, a very complex but relatable topic came across my mind.. and if u noticed the title for this entry.. the topic is about friendship and having a bestfren(s)..

talking about friendship.. to me its a wonderful thing.. and i honestly dont see the need for me to explain myself on that.. im sure everyone understands how important it is to have frens and to make new frens in our lives..

for those who dont agree with me.. all i can say is.. trust me dear, u need frens to survive and dont go thinking that u can do it all, all by urself.. coz u cant..

erm.. how about bestfrens??? different people may have different definitions of bestfrens..

as for me. i think a bestfren is the one person that u can count on to be there by ur side when u are down..he’s the one that u can talk to about anything.. without having to feel sorry.. and likewise.. u cant expect him to be ur fren all the time.. coz there are times when he needs u to be his fren and to help him to rise back when he falls..bla bla bla..

surprising this may sound, but i really dont think that i have a besfren.. i have a lot of frens true, but a bestfren, ther isnt any..

previously, i used to think that having a bestfren is very cool and if i had a bestfren, my life wud be so much easier and more meaningful, and that even if i ws in any kind of trouble, my bestfren wud be there to help me get thru it.. but now, i think i might need to alter that perception to make it more realistic.

apart of it might be my fault for having high expectations from “a bestfren”.. but now i think ive learnt my lesson..

im not saying that having a bestfren(s) is a bad thing.. coz it isnt.. and i totally agree that a bestfren is the one that helps u to get thru ur troubles in life.. but he is not the solution for ur trouble..

in this life, we are always presented with all sorts of problems and obstacles.. and for some of them, having someone to talk it to and a place to go to for comfort, thats all that u need..

but in some cases.. talking about it to someone wont help.. and sometimes it will just make it worse.. and often when we are in this kinda prob, we’d just run away ot wait for it to pass.. but that takes time..  it takes one hell of a time.. but there is nothing else that u can do..

thats the kind of prob that i am in.. and all i can do is to wait.. damn!! i’ve been like this before.. never thot that i’d have to go thru it all over again.. never thot that “banana will berbuah twice“..

and also, in this kind of prob, ur bestfren isnt much of a help.. u can go talk to him about it, but still, nothing he can say or do to make things feel better.. sigh!!

i know he tried to help and did everything he can to make me feel better.. and its so nice of him to have done so.. and i am thankful.. but thats the furthest that he gets.. the solution for the prob is still not there.. and all i can do is to hang on and wait… wait like a fucking idiot!!

a part of me says that im being reasonable for being disapointed with bestfren..but i dont know..

its just that im so frustrated right now..

i think all that ive written up until now is just loads of gibberish and most of them are my rantings.. maybe im just not really stable right now..

this is what happens when i try to talk about my prob to someone.. coz if i wanted to talk about it.. i wud have to think about it.. and when i start to think about it.. my head becomes so blurry, my heart aches and i cant focus on anything but he despair, my anger, my sadness, my disapointment, my argh!!!

my emotions clouded my mind and i cant think str8.. and often i wud try to put the blame on something else, or maybe some one else… and in this case.. its my bestfrens.. erm, they are not actually my bestfrens.. and they are the closest frens that i talk my prob with..  they did try to help but still, it didnt change anything tho… damnit!!

i think i need to stop now.. it seems like its not getting anywhere.. maybe i shud do something else rather than to talk/wite about it in blog..

main game lagi bagus.. later~~

ps : like i care if my blog is just full of ranting shit.. coz its my blog and i can do anyfuckingthing that i wanna do with it..